


Judas

by Itohan



Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [7]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Alternative Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguity, Anakin Has A Nice Dick, Anakin Skywalker Has Issues, Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anakin Skywalker is his own warning, Anakin is fucked up but so is Reader, Angst, Dark Anakin Skywalker, F/M, Force-Sensitive Reader, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Mental Health Issues, Misguided Lust, Obsession, Obsessive Anakin Skywalker, Padawan Anakin Skywalker, Padawan Reader (Star Wars), Panic Attacks, Possessive Anakin Skywalker, Pre Attack of the Clones, Reader Needs a Hug, Reader-Insert, Romance, Smut, Tragedy, Unhealthy Relationships, physical injuries, public shaming, the kids are not alright, toxic behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28245894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itohan/pseuds/Itohan
Summary: From the first to the last breath Anakin Skywalker would ever take - he'll be nothing but a shapeless tool, a living vessel. As if he were a void.You are human, so utterly human that it hurts to be in his presence. And yet you don't stop breathing and keep falling, falling with him. Falling for him. Deeper and deeper into his void.And he'll take it, he'll take it all. He won't stop, won't let go of you until you drown in him.——————-My take on the darkness that had always been boiling underneath Anakin's brim – the part of him that many people want to forget.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker/Reader
Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759843
Comments: 36
Kudos: 43





	1. Beyond repentance

You didn't know what rode you to challenge Anakin Skywalker to a duel, but you did know that you already regretted it. 

Maybe it had been his insufferable arrogance, maybe it was the time he had taken your datapad apart or maybe it was because of the intense way he had been eyeing you ever since you'd walked directly into him some weeks ago. As if he'd been shaken awake, ripped out of a dream and abandoned in reality. It unnerved you. The way you could feel his eyes burning into your back in the halls.

You had taken every precaution to bring as much distance between you two as possible. You had taken the seat the furthest away from his in Master Rekam's mandatory lectures and even stopped going to the Archives entirely. And still you had been dumb enough to say:

"You against me, next Friday at dawn." 

Next Friday had arrived and now you were it's unwilling subject, currently standing across your opponent in a dark eery training space that probably hadn't been used since the rise of the Revanchists.

An inevitable feeling of doom rose from your gut but you shook it off. You activated your lightsaber, illuminating your face in it's faint green glow.

Anakin was eyeing you as if you were prey, walking around you in tight circles, waiting for your next move.

"Come on, Skywalker, I'm waiting!" you snarled. You shifted your stance and gestured for him to come closer with one hand, twirling your green lightsaber in the other. You didn't have to wait long for the familiar hiss of another lightsaber being activated.

 _Strike!_  
Green clashing against blue. As easy as breathing!  
You moved through the room almost as if the two of you were dancing, kicking away stray chairs and singeing a tapestry in your struggle.

In your mind you could already envision Anakin stepping closer to you, taking hold of your one of your arms, but you didn't give him the chance. A second before he could take the first step and grasp your arm, you kicked Anakin's leg away, scoffing. You used the opportunity to quickly wipe the sweat off your brow with the sleeves of your tunic, a bit out of breath.

"How do you feel about losing, Skywalker?" you taunted.

"Not too fondly."

You barely had time to duck underneath his lightsaber strike.

Your eyes widened when you noticed an opening in Anakin's defense. You only managed to cut off a piece of the dark tunic he was clothed in and Anakin hissed at the contact.  
His brows creased in anger when you send another slash forward, caging him between you and a wall. You couldn't hold back your excited laughter.

"Not so arrogant now, are you?"

This was going to be easy! **Strike! Strike** -

Anakin's saber brushed your face, a cut barely missing the deeper skin layers of your forehead. You lost your footing. Another hit in your direction! Again and again and again! The distance between you was shrinking exponentially, he was coming closer with every move and every hit he brought down upon your body. 

Suddenly the the wind was knocked out of you - Anakin had brought his knee up to your stomach. And then before you were able to regain your strength or even blink, he had ripped your saber out of your hand, turning it off and then tossed it away with all of his strength. 

You fell down to your knees, one hand clutching your stomach and the other placed on the floor struggling to hold yourself up. You were wheezing in pain and almost drowning in your sweat-soaked robes. Blood simply did not stop gushing out of the cut on your forehead, falling down drop for drop and splattering onto the green tiles. You had lost. You truly had lost.

Anakin moved to crouch down in front of you. Then he pressed the cool steel of his saber's grip against your neck and pushed his thumb down on the button, activating it. 

Dry heat suddenly sizzled the air, almost brushing against the skin of your throat. You couldn't even swallow, your body was frozen by _true, paralyzing, instinctive_ **fear**. Anakin looked otherworldly in the blinding glow of blue. His hair had fallen over his eyes, hiding them from view, only offering you the smile on his lips as evidence of any expression.

"I give up, you won. Help me get up?" you offered, your face wearing an uncertain grimace.

He was a fellow Jedi. You needn't be scared.

Anakin didn't move a muscle, didn't blink, didn't answer. You ignored the hairs standing up at the back of your neck and began to lift your hands up the ground.

He was a fellow Jedi.  
You needn't be-

_Crack._

A sound between a wail and a shriek scraped itself out of your throat when Anakin stomped down on your saber hand. It echoed across the empty room, distorted and raw. It didn't even sound human anymore.

"-stop it! Please, stop it!" you whimpered. 

Anakin lowered even more of his weight on your hand. He wasn't stopping. **He wasn't stopping**. 

You gritted your teeth together and concentrated on the force.  
_Fluid. Soft. Warm._  
Anakin's hatred. His anger.  
_It was pulsating everywhere, from the raw tips of your fingertips to the stale air in your lungs._  
The bones crushed in your hand, the boot digging into your flesh. 

Your pain.  
_It was yours._

You curled your fingers and **pushed**.

The blade was flung out of Anakin's hands. You didn't hesitate a second before throwing yourself at Anakin and toppling him to the ground, scratching, biting, sinking your nails into whatever you could. You sent your good hand flying down at his nose over and over again until you drew blood.

_____________________________

It was a few days later that Anakin and you came in contact again. You had strictly avoided each other since your altercation (your Masters had advised it) so it was very obvious to say that you were surprised to come into your room and see him sitting on _your_ bed.

"Why?" The first word out of your mouth. Why was he here? Why had he done this to you? Why? Why? Why?

For a moment Anakin kept on fiddling with the saber he had been disassembling until your entrance. However, then with a flicker of his wrist he gently let the pieces down and turned his attention towards you. You walked closer until he was only at an arms length. You could have punched him in the face if you wanted to. But you didn't, not yet.

"Are you sorry?" you asked to no avail.

"Are you sorry for what you've done to me, for the damage you've caused? The healers told me I'll never be able to use this hand the same way ever again. Never! I am lucky I didn't have to get a cybernetic replacement. Is this what you wanted?!"

You didn't get an answer. 

"So tell me why you did this to me, Anakin!" you tried again and pushed your hand into his face only recoil instinctively at the sudden touch. He had closed his own hand around yours and was now holding it in place.  
You were too shocked to do anything.

He lowered his lips onto your bruised knuckles, placing a kiss as soft as a feather on each and every one. The contact stung and yet you didn't- _couldn't_ pull away.  
The room was silent for all but your breathing and your quickening heartbeat, louder and louder. Heat pooling all over you.

"What- what are you doing?"  
Inhale.

Another kiss, now on the tips of your fingers.  
Exhale.

"You can't do this to me... You can't."

"Says whom?" whispered against the skin of your hand.

"I. I say so! I won't allow myself be manipulated like this," you ripped your painfully throbbing hand away. "Tell me why you did this. Why any of this was done by you."

He l o o k e d at you and for the fraction of second an image stretched itself over your eyes, your mind, your body. _S c r a m b l i n g.  
Shouts. Death. **Misery**.  
Distorted white fragments of static and then... Blinding green l i g h t_. 

Suddenly your mouth went dry. 

"My saber...? I couldn't do something like this! I couldn't!"

You took a step backward, away from him, and met the cool surface of a wall. Your head was pounding, beating tight and sharp against your mind. You raised a hand to massage your forehead. **The pressure on your ears kept on building**. 

You didn't need to hear his answer.  
You could still feel the wool of his hood when you had forcefully thrown it back from his face and locked eyes. The taste of his blood on your lips after you sunk your blade into his ribcage. The hatred. You remembered... for some reason you remembered hating his eyes.  
The impressions were already fleeting you. You couldn't remember the reason for why you would do something as horrible. **Your breathing sped up but your lungs were empty**. **Getting emptier**.

"...ey." 

**You couldn't breathe**. Why would you ever..?  
Anakin. **The world around you slurred down to mumbled sounds**. He had to be lying, trying to disturb you. There was no other explanation. **You had to get fresh air**.

Two arms wrapped themselves around your torso, keeping you from falling over.  
**T r a p p i n g** you.

"Hey! Stop struggling," Anakin groaned and you sent an elbow to his nose. "I'm just helping you! _Please_ , calm down, you need to breathe."

"Don't touch me! Leave me the fuck alone!"

You pushed Anakin off you and stumbled out of your own room, leaving him behind. Everywhere was better than alone with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My other WiP's just existing: -  
> Me: How about I write another fanfic in which Anakin has psychotic tendencies! That sounds like fun :D
> 
> I distinctively remember writing that fighting scene at the beginning and being like: “hopefully I didn’t fuck up the sexual tension after he won!” And before I knew it he was stepping on her hand😂


	2. Build a house or sink a dead body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because it’s so easy to be lulled in by him that you could almost forget he isn’t human.

You kept seeing him wherever you went - The Archives, the Gardens, the Room of a Thousand fountains and then even in the Halls of Healing. It was suspicious, as if he had been seeking you out, which was an absolutely laughable thought-

You were ripped out of your thoughts when you almost tripped over a package in your doorstep. It looked to be hastily wrapped, the pack aging already a bit torn around the edges.

"What is this?" you questioned and turned your head around. You were alone, nobody to see you talking to yourself but also nobody to offer you any clues to the gift's origin.  
You tore the wrapping off and discarded it in an empty pocket.

In front of you lied a small yellow droid, about as big as your two palms pushed together.

"Hello, my little friend!" you cooed and gave it a little nudge with your hand. It was abysmally cute. Way too cute for a droid, you decided. You loved it.

You still had time to come up with a name. For now you'd take him with you to your next lecture.

"What should I name you, little fella?" you asked after you'd set it down on your table.

The droid beeped happily in response, spinning around it's own axis.

"How about you just name him 'little fella'? It seems so like it," a voice next to your head suggested. 

You looked up from your small companion. Anakin had hunched down next to you, seemingly just as entranced by the droid as you were. He almost looked pretty up close.

Your hand began twitching and that thought faded.

And then the droid shattered.

Your head snapped back. Another Padawan was laughing with her friends, gesturing at the two of you. You could see her imitating the shocked expressions you and Anakin had worn on your faces. It was obvious that she was the culprit.

"Zhep! Zhep, Why did you do this?" you hissed. You stood up and walked towards her, wishing you had your lightsaber with you. Anakin's footsteps followed behind, loud and angry.

"It was an accident! You see I was just trying to lift it up... but well your droid went boom!" she laughed. "How much was it? I'll pay you the credits back," she offered. now wearing an apologetic look on her face.

"I don't want your credits!" you spit out before storming out of the lecture, your robes flying behind you.

The next time you stumbled across a gift in front of a doorstep it was the dead  
body a lizard and Zhep next to it, crying.

"My lizard! Who would do something like this?" Zhep shrieked.

The sight was nauseous.  
It's little green head had been caved in with the utmost brutality you'd ever come across. But a dark part of you felt immensely satisfied seeing Zhep kneeling at the ground and wailing.

You didn't give her a second look before stalking off as fast as your legs would take you.

A second pair of footsteps joined your own as you fled the horrific scene.

"You are following me."

Not a question. A statement.

Anakin didn't acknowledge it. Instead he showed you his hands. They were stained a dark red. Blood. It was blood.

You offered no resistance when he pulled you in a storage closet.

"I don't understand you. Are you taunting me? Is this what this is?"  
"Stop being so aloof. I know that somewhere deep inside of you," He placed a hand on your chest, over your heart, and your breath hitched. Yet you didn't remove his hand and you let him continue speaking to you in that soft voice. Like honey from Naboo.

"There are some feelings in there. A sign that you are alive, that you exist, that you are as human as every other person living outside the order. I felt it. The way you came alive when you saw that piece of trash on the ground crying for an animal that probably hated her." 

And you didn't shrink back when his lips came closer to yours. A few centimeters more...

"You cannot order me around, I won't let you..." you whispered.

You closed your eyes and finally, _finally_ , your lips met. Warm. You were warm all over as if a fever had struck you all over. So soft. You clutched his robes and pulled him closer to you as you deepened the kiss. The force came alive inside you, mirroring Anakin's feelings to you, connecting a feedback loop of intense all consuming want.

He pulled away, panting and his cheeks flushed. You must have looked about the same, you realized bashfully.

Only after you parted ways did you wonder whether his persuasion was natural or of his inhuman ways. You couldn’t find any other way to describe him. Beautiful, yes. Enchanting but… _inhuman_. You longed for the answer.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Autumn turned into winter and winter turned into spring.

Anakin and you settled down next to a tree in the early afternoon, sitting in it's cool shadow, basking in the world coming to life all around you. 

A comm beeped. Neither of you cared to check.

You were lying in that soft grass, trying your best to encapsulate all sensations inside of you without growing distracted. The growing grass. The leaves blowing in the wind. Anakin breathing. Younglings laughter. Anakin's warmth radiating against your leg. The birds quenching their thirst in a stream. Anakin.

You gave up.  
In the shadow of that tree, so far of from the other Jedi in the gardens, you closed your eyes and took his hands in yours, smiling.

A rustling woke you from your dreams. You hadn't even realized you had fallen asleep. 

Anakin was holding a small package in one hand, chewing loudly, while checking something on his comm with the other. You stopped questioning why he always had food stored away on him a long time ago - by now you had grown to appreciate it.

"What is it?" You gestured to his comm.

"My Master," Anakin groaned. "He wants to meet for meditation."

"Before you go, Ani... You wouldn't mind sharing some of those," you paused and inspected the package closer, "Biscuits with me, would you, _Ani_?" you asked, looking up at him through your lashes.

"You're insufferable," he laughed, pushing a small handful of them into your outstretched hand, and gave you one last peck on the cheek before rushing off to meet Master Kenobi.

“Domestic,”you wondered to yourself.  
Like you imagined real home to feel like.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

Anakin snuggled you closer to his chest. Your bed creaked. He was so very warm.  
Your hands started twitching nervously.

"I don't know what to do," you admitted. "Can you show me what to do- what you like?"

He wrapped your hand around his cock, guiding you in your first exploring strokes. Your fingers seemed so dainty and small against his length. The thought sent another shiver down Anakin's body and you tightened your grip around him.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

You knew that it was inevitable for the Council to send one of you on a mission off-world but that didn't mean that some part of you did not secretly harbor that wish for that to never happen. Now the time had come. It would be Anakin who went with his Master on a diplomatic mission for time being, leaving you behind in the cold empty halls of the temple.

"Will you... Will you miss me?"

In that moment it wasn't hard for you to see the little boy he had once been in his face. He looked at you with such uncertain adoration, so genuine and unedited that you wondered if there could ever be anyone in the universe to love more strongly than Anakin could. Sometimes you pitied him for it.

But you loved him still.

"I'll miss you. Of course I'll miss you, Anakin."

It was on the eight night that Anakin had been away on his mission that you found the courage and walked into his room.

It surprised you how normal it looked, as if you stepped into another world.  
Unlike the walls in your own room his were littered with posters and flyers. Some colourful posters of neon clad bands you didn't recognize, small cut outs of speeder bikes from magazines and a big banner of the podrace Anakin had won before joining the order. 

His bed had yellow bed sheets that didn't look too lived in - probably because he spent most nights in your room and only came back in the mornings. But still that room...It was just like him.

 _Sentimental_ one part of you thought, _alive_ the other said.

You noticed he had the same nightstand as you, an old wooden thing that barely held itself together.

"Not sparing any expense for us Padawans, eh?" you grumbled.

Anakin had left a drawer ajar, something your Master would have deemed untidy and unordered. You sighed, cursing that lifelong conditioning of up-keeping order, and were about to close that drawer when you noticed something. A flicker.

Feeling curious and only slightly guilty you took a look inside. The flicker had come from a small grainy holopicture which held you as it's sole subject. You were smiling at something, somewhere off-screen, not even glancing at the lens. Next to the holopicture lied a tiny camera that was covered in scrapes and looked to have a few parts missing - It would still have cost a fortune by Jedi standards. 

You let your hand hover over it, contemplating.

Anakin must have spent the tiny allowance he had on that camera, just to have something of you, something only his to keep. But he hadn’t asked you. The way you knew him the thought probably hadn’t even crossed his mind .

When had he taken this? 

There was that uncomfortable pressure building in your chest again as if you were about to cry.  
You closed the drawer again - now fully, not wanting to face those conflicting feelings of fear and adoration. It was as if you’d never opened it.

\-----------------------------------------  
A day like any other on Coruscant.

You and your Master had just successfully finished another mission on the upper levels of Coruscant. As aspected of you. It was only a brisk walk back to the temple but full of so many sensations, full of people, full of life. 

A young human couple passed by you. They were dressed in light fashionable clothes you had only ever seen in advertisements and their happiness radiated off them so brightly that even non force-sensitives must have felt it. You could faintly hear their laughter and giggles as they swayed around holding hands and walking together freely. Your smile faded.

Of your good mood only a sour taste was left behind as you realized that the one thing you hadn't even you realized you'd wanted - you could _never_ have. Not without walking away from the only home you'd ever known. You'd never felt more a coward than now.

"Why are you sulking, Padawan?" your Master asked. He placed a gentle paw on your shoulder.

"Oh it is nothing, Master," you lied. "I'm just sad that this beautiful day will disappear and I won't see it again."

"Ah, the thoughts of youth. You'll grow to see that time passing is a gift rather than a curse. With time comes experience and with experience comes knowledge. A trait you will appreciate one day, when you are teaching your own Padawan."

You kept your eyes on the ever closer coming temple, not allowing your eyes to stray once more to see others experience true and uninhibited happiness.

"Of course, Master. Of course..." you whispered.

\---------------------------------------------------------

Your bed was creaking again.  
You were seated in Anakin's lap chest to chest, however, this time the bed wasn’t moving by accident.

"You like this don't you? What would your Master say if he saw me fucking you like this?" Anakin mumbled into your neck, sending another hard thrust up into you.  
He twisted your braid around his index finger and then pulled on it, eliciting a soft moan from you. He did it once more.

"Shut up, Ana-" A whine left your lips involuntarily and you clenched around him. 

"Hmm?" You were certain he was smirking right now. "What should I do, hmm, come on tell me," this time said against your throat.

"I said you should shu- Ah!" 

Anakin's thrusts increased in speed, faster and faster, growing in restlessness - until all you feared was that the intense slapping of skin could be heard by every inhabitant of the temple. It was overwhelming.

"Not so mouthy now, are you?"

You buried your hands in his hair, uncaring of his taunts. It felt like happiness. Soft and warm. His Padawan braid swung with every thrust, hitting his ear and tickling his neck. You curled your fingers and started stroking through his hair, fully entranced by the golden curls. Anakin sighed at that and his mouth continued working hot along your neck, biting and sucking, leaving behind a colourful mosaic of markings. 

"You are doing so well, Ani."

Anakin sucked in a breath and bucked up, surprising both of you. His rippling brought by a warm spill of laughter from your lips and even he snorted.

"Of course you like me praising you. What else should I have expected?" you said, pulling his head up by his hair. He was grinning at you. He slid his lips over yours again, gently nipping your bottom lip between his teeth.

Your breaths turned fainter, hasher, as he in turn gripped onto you tighter, his thrusts turning more frantic - feral. And then you became undone right on his cock. Anakin kept his eyes trained on you, capturing that moment, every moan and sigh, the way your heat engulfed him, your smell, into his memory.

He clutched his arms around your back, your breasts jiggling against his chest as he finally was about to near his peak. You lowered your head. This close you could see the tiniest of freckles you never had noticed before speckled along the curve of his jaw.

"Anakin," you whispered, your breath tickling the shell of his ear. "Anakin, I think I might love you."

With one last push into you, so deep you wondered if he wanted to disappear inside of you forever, Anakin came.

\-------------------------------------------------------------

Another night yet so similar to any other in you spent in Anakin's arms, in secret, lying sprawled across the yellow sheets of your bed.

Once they had been in his own room but it hadn't taken him long to decide to carry them to your room and exchanging them for your old ones. He never slept in his room anyway. The growing collection of holopictures of you that he had taken had soon followed afterwards. Now they were hidden in on your nightstand int he same drawer as the small droid he'd eventually admitted to having built for you.

"The other Padawans are growing suspicious of the time we spent together - they think we are too close," you snorted.

"They don't deserve your time and I don’t like them being around you. They’re nothing but annoying gossipers!” Anakin whined.

"You just don't like me having any friends besides that little droid you made for me," you laughed. But it sent an uncomfortable shiver down your spine.

"Why must you always think the worst of me?" Anakin pouted and snuggled his face in the valley between your breasts. He didn't deny it.

"Because you are monstrous," you answered in full honesty as your mind wandered to the many dark deeds you had seen him commit. You started playing with his hair, twirling your fingers in it, stroking it lovingly.

"And yet you love me still?" came the muffled reply.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I am just as monstrous as you... Because I can love you even when I shouldn't."

"That doesn't make you a monster."

"I think otherwise."

\-----------------------------------------

"What if I wanted pictures of you?" you asked Anakin some months later after he had taken yet another photo of you. This time it was one of you sitting on your bed wearing an atrocious hat that he had found in an empty storage closet. 

Anakin shrugged and let the hat fly towards his hand. Only to disinterestedly throw it in an empty corner as soon as he wrapped his fingers around it.

"I am nothing to look at. Not like you.. So why?"

"To remember you. The way you smile. Even how stupid you look getting your robes on in the morning. I want a chance to remember all of that. Because I like looking at you, because I want to carry a piece of you with me wherever I go. No matter what distance is between us. And because…" you sighed. “You’ll probably die before me, Anakin. You’re too reckless.”

“You think I’ll die before you?”

“Yes, I do. So let me look at your beautiful face for just a bit longer, Ani. Even after you are gone.”

"I will never understand why you actually like me - how you could ever _love_ me."

"Oh, Anakin," you said sadly and wrapped your arms around him. "You are beautiful. So very much so. Why won't you see it?"

You decided to let the topic rest and let it continue like before – you wanted to stay happy for just a little while longer.

**You should have been more careful.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time I ever wrote smut and boiii was I embarrassed writing those scenes and then sitting down to rewatch Revenge of the Sith. I had a hard time looking at Hayden's face lmao  
> I can't write smut for shit but none the less I could not imagine this story without such a scene and so I sat down to write it. Crying. Jk.
> 
> Anyway, I hope the focus was more on the relationship between Reader and Anakin. How you want to interpret the developments of the relationship is up to you! 
> 
> Even while writing I thought of multiple ways to see it and just thought why not drop some hints of multiple interpretations so every way could theoretically be right?


	3. Absolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In the most biblical sense  
>  I am beyond repentance  
> Fame, hooker, prostitute wench vomits her mind  
> But in the cultural sense  
> I just speak in future tense  
> Judas, kiss me if offenced_

“Apprentice, what is this?"

You were ripped out of meditation by the angry voice of your Master. Not even in the farthest corners of the temple could you ever be at peace for once. Next time you’d seek out the Room of a Thousand fountains!

You opened your eyes with a disappointed sigh and yawned, stretching your arms behind your back but still careful not to put to much strain on your former saber-hand.

"What do you mean Mas-"

Your heart dropped.

Clutched in his paws were a big stack of holopictures.  
_Your lips wrapped around a cock.  
You wearing a ridiculous hat.  
You naked with another pair of arms wrapped around you.  
You laughing happily.  
You._

You couldn't look at the photos anymore.  
He must have been in your room, snooping through your drawers. 

"I will ask you once again. What is this, Apprentice? Answer me!" He threw the pictures in your face, sending them scattering on the floor. 

"I- Master, I-" 

"You were nominated for the trials! A Knight to be!"

"I know, Master! Please..." You were close to tears.

"I will have to inform the Council of this."

"No! Master, please! I am begging you."

You clutched the ends of his robes in your hands, sobbing.

"Please don't do this! Please!"

"I am sorry but each crime must be punished. I cannot make an exception for you, my Padawan. I am so very disappointed in you! That you would throw your future away like this..."

He brushed off your hands and called the holo-pictures back to him with the force.

This was real. **You couldn't breathe**.  
This could not be happening. 

It was hours later that Anakin stormed into your room a wheezing red faced mess. He must have run all the way to get here from wherever he had been before, you realized.

"I came as soon as I received your message! What happened?" Anakin asked and slammed the door shut behind him. 

"You better sit down for this," you whispered and gestured for him to sit down next to you on your bed. You'd already been sitting there for a while, dazed, shocked.

Anakin halted in front of you.  
"Have you been crying?"

"Sit down, Anakin."

He obeyed and sat down. He pulled his comm out and began fiddling with it, unsure how to react to your cool response - trying not to get angry.

"Anakin," you started and turned your head towards him. "My Master came to me today. He was in here, going through my things and found was what inside _that_ drawer."

You pointed at your nightstand.

"No... Fuck! FUCK!" 

"Anakin-"

Anakin started cursing in Huttese and you could feel the air around you grow colder, emptier, darker.

"Anakin! Please not so loud," you begged, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Anakin it shrugged it off. His gaze wandered from you to the things you kept on your nightstand to the comm still clutched in his hands. Before you could react he had already thrown it against the wall, shattering the device.

He was breathing heavily but it seemed like he had calmed down for now.

You allowed your mind to wander off. You just wanted everything to go back to normal. That was all you asked for. No palace or riches, just-

Your hand twitched painfully as if it had been shattering once more. You tried to not think of the inevitable cramps that were to follow.

"You never did say sorry for it back then," you said wistfully.

"My hand," you added.

"I am," he admitted. "I am sorry."

He took hold of the hand that had been forever marked by his doing, gripping it softly between his hands. The bed gave a gentle squeak under his sudden movement.  
His gaze didn't look sorry, you thought. 

His eyes were looking at your entwined hands with such fascination that you could not fathom what he must be thinking, experiencing, perceiving.  
You couldn't pull away, too mesmerized by his vivid expression. 

"It's sick, isn't it? I see the taints woven in us and yet I see the beauty..." you whispered, too scared to say your thoughts out loud as if you feared you would vanish any second. 

"Don't talk about yourself like-" he started.

It hurt too much, his earnestness. You should have never fallen for him.

"I want to be alone," you interrupted and tugged at your hand. But he didn't let go, instead he tightened his grip into an iron fist.

You did not reach out to him, didn't offer him any comfort. Even if your hands were shaking. Even if it hurt. You wouldn't. Not yet and you weren't sure if ever.

"Do you still love me?"

"I can't, Anakin. If I do, we... No, forget it. Forget it all. This is over, it has to be."

"If we weren't Jedi, if we weren't cursed to this existence of hiding what we feel... Would your answer be yes?"

You averted your eyes.

"You know my answer. You know what I feel, so why must you punish me like this? Wasn't this hand enough for you?" You paused and lowered your voice, "Must you break my spirit as well?" 

He had that look in his eyes again. The one which made you recoil in fear, one that gazed so deeply into your soul that it twisted your insides and stabbed them like glass. He had worn it too when he had been shattering this hand, your saber hand, underneath the weight of his foot.

"You cannot seek fault for your wrongdoings in mine! Because what we feel, what is between us, could never be wrong! None of this is wrong."

"Seems like for once something good came out of your dislike of being photographed - Your face isn't visible anywhere," you said, not giving in, not offering him the reaction he longed for. "If you leave me alone, if you'll never speak to me- never look at me again… Then I'll lie to them about what happened. I'll lie about your involvement and take all the blame. I'll say it was a someone outside of the order, and accept my punishment as the council sees fit. I'll spare you, Anakin, and we... We'll be free of each other. No more darkness, Anakin. Don't you wish for that?"

You were **never** going to tell the Council that it was Anakin with you in the photos. Never. But you wouldn't tell him that. You needed him to leave, to forget about all of this before the two of you did something even worse, something even more heinous.

_Absolution._

Anakin finally let go of your hand and stood up at his full height, looking down at you in unfiltered rage.

"These aren't your words! Nor your thoughts. It's the order speaking, isn't it?"

You turned your back towards him, the bed creaking beneath your shifting and let your eyes wander towards the fluttering drapes of your window. You ignored the pain in your heart, deep and breathtakingly sorrowful, and didn't dare stir, didn't dare breathe until Anakin had stepped outside. 

_Why?_  
The eternal question. 

You reached out, _felt_ the wind, felt the world outside of the temple. The corners of your mouth twitched at the irony.

The sunset was beautiful today.

\-----------------------------------------------

"Apprentice, is there nothing you want to tell me that could change their minds? Anything?"

You shook your head. You wouldn't rat Anakin out, you had made your choice and you would live by it. Only one of you would go down for this and you wouldn't ever let it be him.

You would lie even if you, everyone, knew that it wasn't a civilian you were with in those holos. To everyone the answer was obvious of who he was, that man.  
Anakin Skywalker, the chosen one, the black sheep.

In their eyes he had robbed you of your purity. They just couldn't prove it. All they needed was your words, a confession. Something you wouldn’t ever give.

"No Master, I have nothing to say for myself. It's as I said before, the man in the pictures was just a civilian man I fell for - one that put me on that misguided path."

"I see. Then there is nothing I can do for you anymore. Your fate is up to the council."

Your Master cast you a one last look, his fur scrunching with disappointment, before walking out of the Council chamber.

Then you were standing there in the center of the chamber, alone, your shoulders raised and ready for whatever they were going to give you. You had to. You couldn't betray weakness - emotion.

You bowed before them, awaiting the announcement of their decision.

"Seeing as what your offense wasn't not only grave, but also went directly against the teachings we uphold, and could have blemished our Order's reputation if ever allowed to become public - We've reached the unanimous decision to take back your nomination for the trials. Starting now you’ll be working under Master Nu in the Archives. We hope this will teach you demure," Master Windu stated.

"I understand, Masters. What I have done was blasphemous and if thats's the punishment you see fit I will accept it."

"Then you may take your leave, Padawan."

You were quickly ushered out of the council chamber, almost crashing into the next person awaiting an audience with the high Masters.

You walked the way back to your chamber completely numb. Only in your bed did you allow yourself the full reaction you’d been keeping inside. There had never been a point in your life where you were more ashamed. Tears of shame and anger trickled down your cheeks. It wouldn't take long for the other Padawans to know. You could already see their empathetic looks, feel their pats on your back trying to cheer you up, hear the whispers in the halls. 

Time could not ever be stopped from passing and so... it did pass.  
You started working in the Archives and the hadn't spoken to Anakin since that day in your bedroom. 

_If only you could have bottled those happy memories._

"Skywalker and Kenobi are back!" a loud voice announced cheerfully.

You sat up straighter immediately and looked up from the mountain of books you had been sorting to see a tall Rodian Padawan running towards you. Riko Kyoma, perpetually late as always.

She was the girl you had almost collided with in front of the council's chamber. She had taken a liking towards you and somehow weaseled herself into your heart. She reminded you of Anakin a bit. 

Similarly to you, she had been forced to support Master Nu in the Archives in order to forsake a harsher punishment. From what you had gathered she had grown quite addicted to gambling in the lower levels and ruined the Jedis reputation a notch. Having to pay her enormous debts to the small time crime lords, since Riko obviously couldn't, didn't make the council like her all that much. Which was why you had been working with her for the last two months. 

"I've heard they had to fight pirates and stranded on some backwater planet! Only getting by the skin of their teeth! But on the other hand Hzol said that he heard the rumor that they had to fight against the Trade Federation and an entire clan Rancors! Can you imagine that? However the gossip mill-"

He had survived. He had come back and he was alright! Two months of worry's weight disappeared off your shoulders and you slumped down on your chair, relieved. Now you could finally go back to your life – not thinking about him dying somewhere anymore. You hoped Riko would mistake your reaction as exhaustion and not look deeper into it. 

"Good for him," you interrupted solemnly. You didn't let your voice betray any slither of a feeling of happiness. You just nodded absentmindedly and went back to sorting the books to be put into the right sections.

"Don't you care? The two of you always seemed so close."

"Of course I care. But there are more important things in the world, aren't there?"

Riko waved that topic away and offered you some gummies she had hidden picked up from one of the vending machines outside. You gladly took up her offer, even if most of them were a bit stale, before forcing her to help you with the books.

Night had fallen over the Archives by the time you were about to head back to your room. 

Master Nu had already retired for the day. Riko left hours ago, asking if you wanted to come with her, which you had declined. You had preferred the books today, wanting solitude and peace. You’d stayed and now you were alone.

Suddenly you could feel breathing on your neck.  
Warm and damp. Someone was hunching over you… 

They rested their head on your back and you recoiled, your hand already forming a fist- 

"Anakin?" you whispered, trembling, scared.

"I missed you. I missed you so much," he sobbed into your shoulder blades. "I can't do this without you, I just can't! They can't separate us anymore. I won't let them! I'll- I'll kill them all if I have to! Just stay by my side. Please..."

You couldn't find any words.

"Do you still love me?" he asked, his voice frantic and disjointed.

"Yes." Now you were crying as well. "How could I ever stop loving you?"

You turned around so you could look at him. You had never seen him like this before - His cheeks were tear-streaked and his eyes red and puffy. Yet there was that unhinged look in them again. 

" I love you, Anakin. So much that it hurts," you whispered.

You were about to take his hand when-

It happened within seconds.

The door fell open with a sudden slam. Obi-Wan stepped in, having followed his student after he’d seen him walk inside. You were at full display, standing too close to each other, your feelings too alive in the force. There was no chance for you to hide.

Then the screaming began.  
Loud, intense, each man getting angrier and angrier. And you were trapped inside with them, wheezing, not getting any air. 

"I told you to stay away from her, Anakin!"

**You couldn't breathe.**

"You don't have the right to decide that for me!"

**This was too much.**

"I am your Master, Padawan! Come to your senses!"

You collapsed into the closest shelf. Barely holding yourself up by your hands.

"-nakin," you wheezed.

Anakin didn't hear you. He was shouting at his Master, intensifying his rage with every passing second.

Obi-Wan met your eyes. He took a step towards you, his own anger forgotten for a moment. He could see that you were at the brink of a collapse.

"Don't you dare come close to her!"  
Anakin pushed you behind him, trembling with anger at Obi-Wan's attempt to help you.

"Anakin don't you see? You are in no state of mind to be of any help to her! Let me take her to the infirmary," Obi-Wan said gently while taking another step towards you.

A pipe to your right busted with a sickening hiss.

"Step away!" Anakin shouted.

But Obi-Wan didn't. He advanced further, now about to lay a hand on your arm to pull you away from Anakin.

Then-

A shockwave. Obi-Wan was sent flying, his back hitting a shelf with a sickening thud. Books falling down at the impact. One by one hitting the ground.

Anakin pulled his outstretched arm back and turned around, facing you. He raised his trembling fingers to your face, cupping your cheeks between them. He was close to tears.

"Are you alright?" 

You shook your head.

"What are we going to do now?" you asked instead.

"I don't know."

Anakin let you go.

"How can you not know?" you mumbled. You didn't even know who you were asking anymore. Yourself or Anakin?

You slowly moved closer to Obi-Wan's body inch by inch, looking out for any hostile movement, until you were close enough to rest your head on his chest. It was still, unmoving. 

_A void, empty and silent. The force was silent around you, no twitch, no warmth, no depth. A void._

_Empty._

What had you done? 

You weeped, tears running down your cheeks so utterly undignified but you didn't care. You let the sobs bade through you, silently, each and every single one, even as the shaking in your hands grew worse and every tremble in them was like a thousand needle stings.

"He's dead. We've," you said, struggling to keep your voice steady. "We've killed him."

"No, look again. It can't be! I said look again!"

You swallowed. You curled one of your shaking hands around Obi-Wan's wrist. It felt too intimate, too wrong. 

You shook your head and let go of the dead man's limp joint.

"This is his fault. I just wanted him to calm down- He just kept on..."  
Anakin's shoulders slumped and then he was screaming and raging. Shelfs were rising from the ground. The ceiling and then the walls started cracking, breaking, tearing. As if he wanted the world to burn, to die and vanish from existence like his master had.

Then everything came crashing down. Only the space above you, Anakin, and _the corpse_ wasn't met by the rainfall of debris. The force around Anakin was glowing, humming, pulsating through him as he struggled to shield you. 

You were about to raise your own to support him when another painful spasm shook through your hands. You couldn't help him.

You finally realized it - There would be no happy ending for your love story, because this wasn't a love story. This was a tragedy. 

"Stop."

"What?"  
He coughed and more dust settled around you, obscuring you from each others view from view. All you saw was white, a colour so pure and unlike you that it sent a indescribable pain down you.

"I love you, Anakin! But I don’t want to do this anymore. I _can’t_. So I beg you! Bury us. Bury us beneath the ruble and put an end to this! We are beyond repentance. When they are going to find us, alive and with a dead man, no lie will save us! They will find out the truth of what happened today and then they'll execute us! We’ll die either way! But if- If we die here today, Anakin… They'll think this an unfortunate accident that took three lives. You won't be forgotten! Wasn't that your dream – all you ever wanted? So realize it and save _me_ , save _us_."

You were at your breaking point. All of this had to end, forever.

"What if we ran away, if we went somewhere nobody knew us?" he shouted, raw and desperate to convince you.

A loud creak shuddered trough you and you could hear Anakin grunt in pain. The ceiling was about to give in and he wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer.

"I cannot decide for you.”

 _Resignation_. You could finally pinpoint that feeling that hadn’t let go of you for so long.

"I-"

You let your eyelids fall shut and waited for Anakin to make his choice. 

"I won't kill you! Do you hear me? Not you, not me, not anyone ever again! You and I, we won't die like this-"

A loud rumble and-  
Light fell onto your face, bright and blinding. 

Was it the sky or the end? You didn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think happened after the ending? 
> 
> I would love to hear what your takes but only if you want to :) Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this and of course for making it this far!
> 
> The rest of my author’s note is way too long to be reasonable- so if you don’t want to read it further: here’s the point where you can stop :)  
> ————  
> I really hope this story didn’t come across as a romanticization of toxic relationships, because honestly that wasn’t the point of this lmao I mean Anakin is my boy and I would give my right hand for the chance to be with him, however, honestly any relationship with him would one hundred percent not be healthy. I mean almost every Anakin fic I write includes an unhealthy relationship with him but in my opinion this is the darkest one yet (which I did on purpose of course hehe)
> 
> And I don’t know if I made that clear or not but the essential reason why Anakin fucked up Reader’s hand (besides being a bit of a psycho) was that by crippling the hand she uses to fight, he would prohibit the vision he had in the immediate moment before from happening. (You know of her killing him)That is the reason why we don’t see her carrying a lightsaber around after the incident since she literally can’t fight with her current condition from then on. 
> 
> She would probably have found another way to master the trials with simply the force, since in the end the Jedi are predominantly supposed to be keepers of peace and not warriors. But as we all know that never got to happen lmao
> 
> And since I already mentioned that vision: I think I hinted at that but if not: It’s the reality that could maybe have happened if not for the incident. (The future is always in motion so all I can offer to that is a maybe - maybe not) In it Anakin fell/ turned to the dark side (which is the reason why Reader remembered hating his eyes) but that didn’t come to pass in this universe since by Anakin’s choice of _destroying_ her saber-hand that possible timeline was wiped out. Anakin doesn’t do simple, he does as extremes.
> 
> God I hope I don’t ruin any of your impressions of the story with my rambling here lol
> 
> _____
> 
> Btw, if you read my other Padawan! Anakin x Reader fic you might have recognized some very small elements they share. But thinking back on it I don’t think I made it obvious enough for anyone besides myself to notice.
> 
>  **Disclaimer - This isn't canon to this story and just my personal head canon lmao:**  
>  The reason for that is that I kinda consider this to be a way way darker Alternative Universe of "Misgivings and Misdeeds" - if that Reader had been taught under another Master and been pushed to develop into another direction than her counterpart. - And if Anakin had been way more depraved and less settled than he was in "Misgivings and Misdeeds".


End file.
